I was cooking dinner tonight with AL… she’s my little “helper”… and of course the radio was on… well Pandora on my laptop, but close enough. One of my favorite Alicia Keys songs came on, and before I could even stop it, my eyes were filling. I scooped AL up, and squeezed her so tight. I didn’t even try to stop the tears. I know it’s a love song, but the love that I have for my children is a stronger love than I have ever felt for anyone else in my entire life.
One of my biggest fears since becoming a mother has been my kids having to grow up without me. I can’t even imagine my life without them, but what would their life be like without me??? They are so young, would they even remember me? Would they know how I sang them to sleep, or rocked them when they were sick? Would they remember how I smelled…even if I haven’t taken over a 15 minute shower since they were born…, would they know HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM???
Now that JJ is a little older, some of these fears have subsided. The kid has the memory of an elephant, so I know he would remember me, but now I wonder if I gave him a strong enough foundation to become the man I dream he will become someday. There are so many things I want to add to that foundation to help build him up so no matter what he faces in his life no one will be able to tear down the walls we built together. The inside is and always will be him, but I’m helping to build his house, and I want it to be made off bricks : )
As for my little girl, there are even more reasons I need to be here. I’m working on building a brick house for her too, but for her it’s more than who she is going to become, but how she is going to get there. Being a girl is hard enough, and I have no idea how I would have made it all the way to a woman without the help of my mom. She is my rock, and while we haven’t always seen eye to eye, she has always been there for me. Even if she didn’t agree with what I was doing, I could always go to her… for help, for advice, just to vent, anything… So the thought her not having that in her life is heart wrenching for me.
So tonight, I will hold them a little longer, read another book, and give them two kisses while they are sleeping because honestly, you just never know. I thank God for my babies every night, but I’m sure other mothers who have left too soon have too. At least now, they will always be able to read this, and know, in my words, just how much they mean to me <3
Am I the only one who worries about this stuff??? What other fears have you gained since becoming a parent??? Do you have any special ways to tell your kids you love them that only they know??? JJ and I play the I love you, I love you more, I love you most game, but with super heroes/cartoons and their powers… I love you stronger than hulk, I love you smellier than Pumba’s farts… Yep, we are all a bunch of dorks here…